Who Am I?

Tonight, I am having an identity crisis. For starters, I'm sitting here writing this blog and thinking out loud as I listen to Lil Wayne. I'm currently going through a Weezy phase, or I could actually possibly find a liking for his music, not all of it thank goodness. If certain people knew about this phase, they'd probably be embarrassed by me.

I think.. I need to be comfortable with not having a label, being a part of many stereotypes without being stereotyped..? I'm also genuinely upset with some people, which may be the cause of my rap phase. I find myself repeatedly singing along to a chorus that is something like this


all this bullshit make me strong mother******
so imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
yeah bitch, imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
and i could die now, rebirth mother******
hop up in my spaceship and leave earth mother******
i'm gone.

okay now i'm getting sidetracked and focusing on my anger.
I wish... that I had my philosophy notebook [which is in my dorm] so I can recuperate by filling my brain with things like 'what is aperspectival madness and how do you get out of it?' or 'head, heart, hara' and maybe even 'how to sit with anger, confusion'

now i'm just typing.. the way i ramble in Chloe's car about how beautifully messed up our lives are and how perfectly fucked up some people are.

Earlier I told my best friend a new secret reverie of mine that will most likely never come to fruition since its fun and wild but not tasteful and potentially harmful. Then again, it would be so liberating to take a night being out of the norm of who i am.. how i am.. and waking up the next day without anyone around to judge. What's that saying about who or what actually matters? Whatever it is, it's along the lines of not having to explain yourself to anyone because friends don't need to hear it and enemies won't believe it (something like that).

This is a weird post. Once again, it most likely won't make sense to anyone who reads it if anyone. But that's "totes coo" because i just needed to make note of how I'm feeling at the moment...which is pissed, confused, rotten, weak, strong, confident, enlightened, and content.

"Who am i?" A question that I have answers to, yet, one that I will struggle to understand for the rest of my life.

BLEH!

One Year Later?

I guess history really does repeat itself. Hm...

New Year's Eve Anxiety

Because of today's date, I feel like I should blog about how I'm feeling...

[Her] palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on [her] sweater already, mom's spaghetti
[She's] nervous, but on the surface [she] looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but [she] keeps on forgetting
What [she] wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
[She] opens [her] mouth, but the words won't come out
[She's] choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up! Over! Bloh!

Happy New Year's Eve.

Maybe I'll have something more substantial written tomorrow. WWPD-what would Pema do?

:)

Mumon's Poem

"Hundreds of flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
A cool breeze in summer, and snow in winter;
If there is no vain cloud in your mind
For you it is a good season."

Truth!
successful philos gathering today <3

Home As I Know It [for now]

Finally on break. I feel like a survivor :D I kind of miss Portland... but I should also take advantage of this free time when I can drown myself in as much mindless chatter as I'd like.

On July 18th, Edward Sharpe posted, "When it is safe to feel unsafe, U are home."



Today I learned that home is but not limited to:

ordering "salad and bread, please!" with my best friend, a cuddle sesh involving everyone on nastassia's bed, movie night with my mommy, shopping with my mommy, talking religion and politics with my daddy, taking a drive to GB, a Philosophy meeting with the greatest minds i know, watching a cartoon flick with ashtastic, game night at the wallace's, "spinach dip and some queso!" at 10pm, MRBL, reading the New Yorker, making faces at my pups through the window, Toohey&Yearwood, singing along to Three Cheers for Five Years, driving my Jeep called Joni, "baguette&dill", wearing onesie pajamas, long boarding in the Buttes, laying on my bedroom floor and staring at the ceiling, driving by McKinley Park, playing Wii, taking naps on the couch, showering for an hour, going on a walk around the neighborhood, the smell of mom's cooking, quickie drives to Target, fro-yo, Cali Yogurt, and when the easiest thing to feel is content.

Amazing, Because It Is

"I have seen that all things have their limit, but Your commandment is broad beyond measure."
~Psalms 119.96

I Like Lists

This post is a little blast from the past. I need to get rid of some sticky notes, so I'm saving them on here instead of a journal...? Probably not a good idea but at the moment I really don't care. This past summer, I set a goal for myself every Sunday night for that week and essentially for the rest of my life. Reading them over is a huge reminder of what a terrible job I'm doing at keeping up with myself, if that makes sense. It does in my head. Here's my list of goals and the random commentary I jotted down at the time [which probably only makes sense to me]...

Week 1: Love in action.

Week 2: Prioritize.

Week 3: RESPECT.

Week 4: Be abnormal.
June 20th, "when college starts, i can be whoever whatever whenever"

Week 5: SPONTANEITY.

Week 6: Finish Eat, Pray, Love.

Week 7: Learn to say goodbye the right way...

Week 8: No embarrassment meter.

Week 9: MAITRI - loving-kindness toward myself.
July 26th, "these goals are practice to introduce myself to me, not to improve me."

Week 10: Understand the essence of friendship...and fun.

Week 11: Pace myself.
August 8th, in regards to week 10, "the past week was straight SHIT. but i kept my goal in mind and came out with this from Pema, 'have no expectations, just be kind.'" [i remember this week like it was yesterday.]

Week 12: A week of extreme love, moderation, and humility.

Week 13: Bring home with me.
August 23rd, "in a good place."