Franklin

sometimes i feel like i was rushed into making one of the most important decisions of my life, and sometimes i feel like i made the wrong one

Portland-take 2


GOODBYE!

calling Pema!

i desperately need to go back to living the simple life
time to channel my inner bodhisattva

Inspiration

favorite concert song

this song completely resonated with me the night of Natasha Bedingfield's performance <3

Channeling Bev

this is not my month

"mer."

Today

if you become frightened, instead become inspired.

<3

the thing about surrender

is that once you give in to it, you forget why you were even fighting in the first place

Settlers Settling

a funny concept i was recently enlightened by.

since you act like you know so much, it's unfortunate when you don't see it happening to yourself.

one day at a time/I LOVE SUMMER

who knows where i will be in three months?! and frankly, i don't even care because wherever i will be, my heart will be, and those who love me will be there also! so far this summer i have been reminded of how much love i left behind and i'm going to take my time enjoying it!!
this post is for een, stass, chris, chloe, beverly, britt, dani, ash, erich, jon, kristin, and jac... just to name a few ;)

new perspective

it's beautiful today, and it's also my aunt's death anniversary. i can't help but wonder how my mom and other relatives are doing in the philippines. also can't help but think about my cousins who are off and married with beautiful happy and healthy babies wishing their mom was around to share the memories. today i've reached a new level of compassion

Wanderlust

LOVE that word. so full of magic and mystery and fun and thrill! ahhh!



staying up and making a bucket list for the first time ever! inspired by Cleo :D

in love with music

"if gravity happens, then i'll fasten wings to my shoes!"

one of my favorite lines from the new Kate Voegele album :)

Jet Lag

taking advantage of being wide awake in the middle of the night to do what i do best: ANALYZE.

thoughts on my brain right now
1. why do i care about my major (or any major) again? oh that's right, i don't! ;)
2. prayer
3. going to do what i want to do [everyday] [in every aspect of my life] [not because someone tells me to do it]
4. it's okay to feel 30
5. my stomach is talking to me
6. keep moving forward!
7. newest motto: you get what you give
8. i want a meeting with cheevs...NOW! :D
9. i want a meeting with madame... after cheevs
10. old favorite word: panties
new favorite word: balance

boom. done.
DUUUUCESSSSS!!!! ;)

"always such a gangsta" -loveness

Where am I?

because i'd really like to know...

I would also like to say...

that I leave the country for 3 weeks tomorrow. i don't want to say bye to my grandma...


today i started planning for my birfdaayyy with cleo. I'm excited for it. Mainly for the funny pictures and late night conversations and love Love LOVE!! :)

hmm...i'm going to go get froyo with my craziest cuz. and maybe hit up a drug deal. we'll find out!

I would just like to say...

i'm content with never seeing you again.

Now that that is off my chest, back to watching House!
winning

meepmeep

this is me procrastinating on studying for finals and thinking about how this is my second to last night in this room on this floor and that this week is my last trip to Powell's for four months... sad times..and how long of a run-on sentence this could really be.

so close

to the end.
excited to have my car again. and to breathe again.
also excited for another SF trip with cleo so we can walk, just walk, like what she does in Cambridge, in the summer sun, get me some seafood, and find a beautiful, peaceful place. maybe i'll bring my drum. yes, i'll bring my drum. and a blanket, oh and socks! because last time it was a little chilly and i was forced to by socks from REI. but it's totes not even a bad thing cus i funking heart that store to pieces. typing out this blog makes me feel like im in wanket's english class again, journaling every morning about whatever and not worrying about grammar or punctuation. i like hot tea and people of Truth.

Fantasy to Reality

i think i came up with a new plan. it's really exciting and also makes my tummy turn. but naturally i am content.
it might be better for me, my parents, my relationships, and my goals. i think this dream needs to come true. the worst part about this blog is that i can't say what the plan is just in case it doesn't end happily :)

prayerssssss! and fingers crossed!

Current Anthem

"makes me wanna go shove my intelligence in the administrations' face" -cleo

love.

Lupe Fiasco - Sucker Free - MTV Shows

Uncharted

Tonight it hit me. It really hit me... so hard that I can picture myself in 2014 not receiving a single acceptance and literally feeling my heart ache. But I can take two things away from this. The first is that these emotions are signs that this is what I want to do; this is my goal. I want to go to med school. The second is similar to the first, this isn't a dream anymore, it has finally sunk in that it's my reality! HA! I feel great! And at the same time it feels gross and makes me sick. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm also not an adult. I don't have my life figured out and the next four years will certainly be a shit show. Damn.

I need a Plan B. Not some Plan B as noted on the sticky note from Betherly, but a serious plan for what comes next if I don't go on to med school right after graduation. I also need someone to tell me that I don't need to make that plan until closer to when the time comes. I want some real time lovin', someone to call me up and say "baby, you're a firework"

Something else I decided tonight: I HATE being a gemini, and yet, i love it :) [who didn't see that one coming?]

Thanks to cskewis for feelin' ma payne. Probs time to relax and sleep. Easter Sunday! weee!! choose your chocolate wisely, FAIR TRADE!

hang loose

Today's Brain

I have a fat list of what I want.

Today will be the day I think about that list and figure out what I need.

Summer Love

Almost time to peace out on everything and everyone and leave the country for a month.


Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Today's Brain?

It's quite hysterical when someone sends a text or an email making a statement but ends the sentence with a question mark indicating their thought is continuing even though its a statement. here's an example from a recent email to fill you in on the following inside joke: "I can help with fliers as well if you need? And I can make a big sign for the commons or something as well?"

i laughed for days.

- today has been nice and relaxed
- i bought a drum
- my parents don't know yet
- brittany ate my salsa, but im okay with that?
- i hate tomatoes, but i love salsa?
- i'm sad that i only have 11 actual days of classes.
- brittany just farted on my drum.
- i love meeting new people?
- pineapple brutally burns Bev's mouth
- i sometimes enjoy a quick alliteration?
- i should probably cut my toe nails?
- brittany should probably shave her armpits?
- we need to be careful how we advertise for our slavery still exists event. we can't run around saying, "a filmmaker's perspective! come experience human trafficking!" :D
- chloe doesn't have coarse-ish hair
- britt thinks coarse-ish hair is gross.
- britt says her mom has coarse-ish hair...

<3

es and em

PHat ethics test tomorrow, and with a borderline grade you’d think I’d be a study maniac tonight, but alas I am writing a blog as Laura Jansen* plays in the background <3

I think… I lost the heart for this blog. I tried denying it, telling myself that this is an easy way to keep certain people updated with what’s going on in my head. Not to be blunt but I’m over this, and those that matter the most will always know what’s going on in my head without this blog. However, I am very proud of my new york and boston babies who tell of their east coast adventures and I like imagining.

I take a lot of things too seriously. Also, I’m constantly looking to something in the future. At the moment it’s summer and being free again. Then I stop and think to myself, why do I always put myself in this waiting period? This isn’t the first time that I’ve told myself to just… chill, and be here in the Now. I feel like this may be a major cause to my common lethargy. I am fully motivated to do everything… that isn’t what I’m supposed to do. One thing on my ethics test tomorrow is about how much humans ask for and how it is beyond the capacity that the world can provide. This is completely true and understandable, but sometimes I just need to be selfish for a sec, if it’s even selfishness. This is the part when I bitch and moan about what I want and can’t wait for.
I want:
To be home with my family
Chlo’s cooking
To ride my bike to my best friend’s house
To be where it’s quiet and where no one will bother me
To run
To shop
To drive to a philosophy meeting
Time – to read, listen to music, stare, sleep, write, and contemplate

I probs sound super unsatisfied at the moment, but it’s only because my English class is pissing me off, the US passport application system is bullshit, I have an ethics test ready to murder my GPA, the fact that I actually care about my GPA, I have a month in this room, I still need a summer job, and, well I’m actually very satisfied and appreciative of everything I have now. I mean, it could be worse, I could have aids right?

On a lighter note, Ashtastic comes in roughly 2 days. Stoked. And finally, the roommate and i stalked a facebook tonight and laughed at a lot of pictures. I don't even care. ha! hang loose
Tis all!


*“oh I’d like forever after like every princess should, but there’s always another chapter, and the apple sure tastes good!”

Long Overdue

It’s been way over a month since my last post. I’m ridiculous, and I already knew that I’m not a consistent person with these things so I’m not mad. Update since my last post, I’m no longer angry with a certain friend. In fact, we are right back where we started freshman year. I have her genuine friendship back, one thing I’ve been lost without since Seattle. Also, looking back at previous posts I noticed that I often refer to rap music. I hardly ever listen to rap music! [that’s a lie, I do it all the time when I’m by myself, but none of that grocery store rap].
Despite the mess of schoolwork and society that I have to deal with this next week, I woke up today feeling good, as every morning should be right? Right! I spent a lot of time yesterday spilling my heart. Before college, I was scheduled for this once a month, and before that… 5 days/week. Losing that immediate sangha that was always at the palm of my hands has really taken a toll on me. I’m just now learning how to continue on a day to day basis accepting that some special moments will have to be put on hold until the time is right for free speech.
Beverly and Kelly are always on my case about posting a new blog, no matter how many times I repeat myself saying it isn’t the right time. Here’s what’s been going on… in between all my time distracted from the B-Crew ;) I’ve started a prayer journal, and so far it’s been more successful than a traditional journal. I haven’t been to mass since I was home with my family; time to get my pray on.

Who Am I?

Tonight, I am having an identity crisis. For starters, I'm sitting here writing this blog and thinking out loud as I listen to Lil Wayne. I'm currently going through a Weezy phase, or I could actually possibly find a liking for his music, not all of it thank goodness. If certain people knew about this phase, they'd probably be embarrassed by me.

I think.. I need to be comfortable with not having a label, being a part of many stereotypes without being stereotyped..? I'm also genuinely upset with some people, which may be the cause of my rap phase. I find myself repeatedly singing along to a chorus that is something like this


all this bullshit make me strong mother******
so imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
yeah bitch, imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
and i could die now, rebirth mother******
hop up in my spaceship and leave earth mother******
i'm gone.

okay now i'm getting sidetracked and focusing on my anger.
I wish... that I had my philosophy notebook [which is in my dorm] so I can recuperate by filling my brain with things like 'what is aperspectival madness and how do you get out of it?' or 'head, heart, hara' and maybe even 'how to sit with anger, confusion'

now i'm just typing.. the way i ramble in Chloe's car about how beautifully messed up our lives are and how perfectly fucked up some people are.

Earlier I told my best friend a new secret reverie of mine that will most likely never come to fruition since its fun and wild but not tasteful and potentially harmful. Then again, it would be so liberating to take a night being out of the norm of who i am.. how i am.. and waking up the next day without anyone around to judge. What's that saying about who or what actually matters? Whatever it is, it's along the lines of not having to explain yourself to anyone because friends don't need to hear it and enemies won't believe it (something like that).

This is a weird post. Once again, it most likely won't make sense to anyone who reads it if anyone. But that's "totes coo" because i just needed to make note of how I'm feeling at the moment...which is pissed, confused, rotten, weak, strong, confident, enlightened, and content.

"Who am i?" A question that I have answers to, yet, one that I will struggle to understand for the rest of my life.

BLEH!

One Year Later?

I guess history really does repeat itself. Hm...