PHat ethics test tomorrow, and with a borderline grade you’d think I’d be a study maniac tonight, but alas I am writing a blog as Laura Jansen* plays in the background <3
I think… I lost the heart for this blog. I tried denying it, telling myself that this is an easy way to keep certain people updated with what’s going on in my head. Not to be blunt but I’m over this, and those that matter the most will always know what’s going on in my head without this blog. However, I am very proud of my new york and boston babies who tell of their east coast adventures and I like imagining.
I take a lot of things too seriously. Also, I’m constantly looking to something in the future. At the moment it’s summer and being free again. Then I stop and think to myself, why do I always put myself in this waiting period? This isn’t the first time that I’ve told myself to just… chill, and be here in the Now. I feel like this may be a major cause to my common lethargy. I am fully motivated to do everything… that isn’t what I’m supposed to do. One thing on my ethics test tomorrow is about how much humans ask for and how it is beyond the capacity that the world can provide. This is completely true and understandable, but sometimes I just need to be selfish for a sec, if it’s even selfishness. This is the part when I bitch and moan about what I want and can’t wait for.
I want:
To be home with my family
Chlo’s cooking
To ride my bike to my best friend’s house
To be where it’s quiet and where no one will bother me
To run
To shop
To drive to a philosophy meeting
Time – to read, listen to music, stare, sleep, write, and contemplate
I probs sound super unsatisfied at the moment, but it’s only because my English class is pissing me off, the US passport application system is bullshit, I have an ethics test ready to murder my GPA, the fact that I actually care about my GPA, I have a month in this room, I still need a summer job, and, well I’m actually very satisfied and appreciative of everything I have now. I mean, it could be worse, I could have aids right?
On a lighter note, Ashtastic comes in roughly 2 days. Stoked. And finally, the roommate and i stalked a facebook tonight and laughed at a lot of pictures. I don't even care. ha! hang loose
Tis all!
*“oh I’d like forever after like every princess should, but there’s always another chapter, and the apple sure tastes good!”
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Long Overdue
It’s been way over a month since my last post. I’m ridiculous, and I already knew that I’m not a consistent person with these things so I’m not mad. Update since my last post, I’m no longer angry with a certain friend. In fact, we are right back where we started freshman year. I have her genuine friendship back, one thing I’ve been lost without since Seattle. Also, looking back at previous posts I noticed that I often refer to rap music. I hardly ever listen to rap music! [that’s a lie, I do it all the time when I’m by myself, but none of that grocery store rap].
Despite the mess of schoolwork and society that I have to deal with this next week, I woke up today feeling good, as every morning should be right? Right! I spent a lot of time yesterday spilling my heart. Before college, I was scheduled for this once a month, and before that… 5 days/week. Losing that immediate sangha that was always at the palm of my hands has really taken a toll on me. I’m just now learning how to continue on a day to day basis accepting that some special moments will have to be put on hold until the time is right for free speech.
Beverly and Kelly are always on my case about posting a new blog, no matter how many times I repeat myself saying it isn’t the right time. Here’s what’s been going on… in between all my time distracted from the B-Crew ;) I’ve started a prayer journal, and so far it’s been more successful than a traditional journal. I haven’t been to mass since I was home with my family; time to get my pray on.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Who Am I?
Tonight, I am having an identity crisis. For starters, I'm sitting here writing this blog and thinking out loud as I listen to Lil Wayne. I'm currently going through a Weezy phase, or I could actually possibly find a liking for his music, not all of it thank goodness. If certain people knew about this phase, they'd probably be embarrassed by me.
I think.. I need to be comfortable with not having a label, being a part of many stereotypes without being stereotyped..? I'm also genuinely upset with some people, which may be the cause of my rap phase. I find myself repeatedly singing along to a chorus that is something like this
all this bullshit make me strong mother******
so imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
yeah bitch, imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
and i could die now, rebirth mother******
hop up in my spaceship and leave earth mother******
i'm gone.
okay now i'm getting sidetracked and focusing on my anger.
I wish... that I had my philosophy notebook [which is in my dorm] so I can recuperate by filling my brain with things like 'what is aperspectival madness and how do you get out of it?' or 'head, heart, hara' and maybe even 'how to sit with anger, confusion'
now i'm just typing.. the way i ramble in Chloe's car about how beautifully messed up our lives are and how perfectly fucked up some people are.
Earlier I told my best friend a new secret reverie of mine that will most likely never come to fruition since its fun and wild but not tasteful and potentially harmful. Then again, it would be so liberating to take a night being out of the norm of who i am.. how i am.. and waking up the next day without anyone around to judge. What's that saying about who or what actually matters? Whatever it is, it's along the lines of not having to explain yourself to anyone because friends don't need to hear it and enemies won't believe it (something like that).
This is a weird post. Once again, it most likely won't make sense to anyone who reads it if anyone. But that's "totes coo" because i just needed to make note of how I'm feeling at the moment...which is pissed, confused, rotten, weak, strong, confident, enlightened, and content.
"Who am i?" A question that I have answers to, yet, one that I will struggle to understand for the rest of my life.
BLEH!
I think.. I need to be comfortable with not having a label, being a part of many stereotypes without being stereotyped..? I'm also genuinely upset with some people, which may be the cause of my rap phase. I find myself repeatedly singing along to a chorus that is something like this
so imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
yeah bitch, imma pick the world up and imma drop it on your f****** head
and i could die now, rebirth mother******
hop up in my spaceship and leave earth mother******
i'm gone.
okay now i'm getting sidetracked and focusing on my anger.
I wish... that I had my philosophy notebook [which is in my dorm] so I can recuperate by filling my brain with things like 'what is aperspectival madness and how do you get out of it?' or 'head, heart, hara' and maybe even 'how to sit with anger, confusion'
now i'm just typing.. the way i ramble in Chloe's car about how beautifully messed up our lives are and how perfectly fucked up some people are.
Earlier I told my best friend a new secret reverie of mine that will most likely never come to fruition since its fun and wild but not tasteful and potentially harmful. Then again, it would be so liberating to take a night being out of the norm of who i am.. how i am.. and waking up the next day without anyone around to judge. What's that saying about who or what actually matters? Whatever it is, it's along the lines of not having to explain yourself to anyone because friends don't need to hear it and enemies won't believe it (something like that).
This is a weird post. Once again, it most likely won't make sense to anyone who reads it if anyone. But that's "totes coo" because i just needed to make note of how I'm feeling at the moment...which is pissed, confused, rotten, weak, strong, confident, enlightened, and content.
"Who am i?" A question that I have answers to, yet, one that I will struggle to understand for the rest of my life.
BLEH!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Eve Anxiety
Because of today's date, I feel like I should blog about how I'm feeling...
[Her] palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on [her] sweater already, mom's spaghetti
[She's] nervous, but on the surface [she] looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but [she] keeps on forgetting
What [she] wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
[She] opens [her] mouth, but the words won't come out
[She's] choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up! Over! Bloh!
Happy New Year's Eve.
Maybe I'll have something more substantial written tomorrow. WWPD-what would Pema do?
:)
[Her] palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on [her] sweater already, mom's spaghetti
[She's] nervous, but on the surface [she] looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but [she] keeps on forgetting
What [she] wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
[She] opens [her] mouth, but the words won't come out
[She's] choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up! Over! Bloh!
Happy New Year's Eve.
Maybe I'll have something more substantial written tomorrow. WWPD-what would Pema do?
:)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Mumon's Poem
"Hundreds of flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
A cool breeze in summer, and snow in winter;
If there is no vain cloud in your mind
For you it is a good season."
Truth!
successful philos gathering today <3
A cool breeze in summer, and snow in winter;
If there is no vain cloud in your mind
For you it is a good season."
Truth!
successful philos gathering today <3
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Home As I Know It [for now]
Finally on break. I feel like a survivor :D I kind of miss Portland... but I should also take advantage of this free time when I can drown myself in as much mindless chatter as I'd like.
On July 18th, Edward Sharpe posted, "When it is safe to feel unsafe, U are home."
Today I learned that home is but not limited to:
ordering "salad and bread, please!" with my best friend, a cuddle sesh involving everyone on nastassia's bed, movie night with my mommy, shopping with my mommy, talking religion and politics with my daddy, taking a drive to GB, a Philosophy meeting with the greatest minds i know, watching a cartoon flick with ashtastic, game night at the wallace's, "spinach dip and some queso!" at 10pm, MRBL, reading the New Yorker, making faces at my pups through the window, Toohey&Yearwood, singing along to Three Cheers for Five Years, driving my Jeep called Joni, "baguette&dill", wearing onesie pajamas, long boarding in the Buttes, laying on my bedroom floor and staring at the ceiling, driving by McKinley Park, playing Wii, taking naps on the couch, showering for an hour, going on a walk around the neighborhood, the smell of mom's cooking, quickie drives to Target, fro-yo, Cali Yogurt, and when the easiest thing to feel is content.
On July 18th, Edward Sharpe posted, "When it is safe to feel unsafe, U are home."
Today I learned that home is but not limited to:
ordering "salad and bread, please!" with my best friend, a cuddle sesh involving everyone on nastassia's bed, movie night with my mommy, shopping with my mommy, talking religion and politics with my daddy, taking a drive to GB, a Philosophy meeting with the greatest minds i know, watching a cartoon flick with ashtastic, game night at the wallace's, "spinach dip and some queso!" at 10pm, MRBL, reading the New Yorker, making faces at my pups through the window, Toohey&Yearwood, singing along to Three Cheers for Five Years, driving my Jeep called Joni, "baguette&dill", wearing onesie pajamas, long boarding in the Buttes, laying on my bedroom floor and staring at the ceiling, driving by McKinley Park, playing Wii, taking naps on the couch, showering for an hour, going on a walk around the neighborhood, the smell of mom's cooking, quickie drives to Target, fro-yo, Cali Yogurt, and when the easiest thing to feel is content.
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